The Networking Secret No One Tells Women: Just Ask

The first time I asked directly, the words came out of my mouth like fire. 

I was speaking with a woman whose work I’d admired for years — someone whose network could open doors I’d been circling for months. We were having one of those perfectly pleasant professional conversations, the kind where everyone exhibits interest and carefully avoids saying what they actually want. 

And then I just asked. 

“Would you introduce me to her? I’d like her to think of me for this kind of work.” 

My face burned. The words hung in the air. I’d violated the unspoken rule: don’t be too direct. Don’t make anyone uncomfortable. Don’t ask for what you actually need. 

She said yes immediately. 

Within a week, I had the introduction. Within a month, I had the client. Within a year, that connection had become one of the most valuable relationships in my practice. 

That moment revealed a reality I’d spent my career avoiding: the performance we call networking is costing us opportunities we can’t afford to lose. 

The Elaborate Fiction 

Here’s what we’ve all agreed to pretend: we’re at this conference, this coffee meeting, this carefully scheduled call because we enjoy making small talk with near-strangers. We’re not here because we want something. We’re certainly not here because we need something. 

We exchange cards. We follow up with thoughtful emails. We engage with LinkedIn posts. We wait for the “right moment” to mention that we’re looking for clients, or seeking a new role, or hoping for an introduction. We build elaborate scaffolding around a simple truth: we’re here because our careers depend on these connections. 

A recent episode of Harvard Business Review’s Women at Work podcast featuring Inga Carboni, an expert in organizational networks, dismantles this fiction beautifully. Carboni’s research shows that building relationships that actually benefit our careers isn’t about exchanging business cards at work events. It’s about getting to know people we can learn from — creating genuine connections based on mutual growth. 

But here’s where I’d push Carboni’s insight further: genuine connection doesn’t require us to hide what we need. In fact, hiding it makes everything less genuine. 

The Anatomy of Direct Asking 

Somewhere along the way, I figured out that authentic networking means just asking the question. Not the comfortable question. The actual question: 

• “I’m looking for work in this area. Would you think of me?” 

• “I’d like to meet her. Will you make an introduction?” 

• “I need help breaking into this sector. Can you help me?” 

The first few times felt transgressive. Pushy. Unseemly. All those words we’ve learned to fear, the ones that mold women’s ambition into socially acceptable shapes. 

But something remarkable happened: people said yes. And more than that — they seemed relieved. 

Because everyone knows why we’re networking. Everyone knows what we want. The performance of pretending otherwise doesn’t make anyone more comfortable. It just makes everyone more exhausted. 

What Happens When You Stop Performing 

I’ve asked partners at other firms to refer work they can’t handle. I’ve asked clients to introduce me to their boards. I’ve asked women I admire to open doors I couldn’t open on my own. 

It still burns sometimes. Even now, after it’s led to opportunities I couldn’t have imagined, there’s that moment before I ask when my nervous system insists, I’m about to commit some unforgivable social crime. 

But I’ve learned something: while the discomfort passes in seconds, the opportunity lasts. 

And here’s what I didn’t expect: people started asking me directly, too. No more elaborate dances around what they actually needed. No more coffee meetings where we both knew what the other person wanted, but nobody said it out loud.  

When someone asks me directly, “I’m trying to build my practice in employment law. Would you keep me in mind for referrals?” I’m not offended; I’m pleased. Grateful even. Because finally, someone is treating me like a professional who can help them, rather than a contact to be cultivated over 18 months of strategic encounters. 

The Best Networkers Just Ask 

Carboni’s research reveals that the most effective networkers, particularly women, are intentional about who they connect with and why. They build genuine relationships based on learning and mutual growth, rather than transactional exchanges. 

I’d add this: intention without action is just aspiration. 

The best networkers combine genuine relationship-building with something bolder — they ask. They’re clear about what they need and what they can offer. They don’t hide their ambition behind pleasantries. 

This isn’t mercenary; it’s honest. I can build a genuine relationship with someone AND directly ask them to think of me for opportunities. These things aren’t mutually exclusive. Being direct about what I need makes the relationship more genuine, not less. 

The Cost of Comfort 

We avoid directly asking people because we’re trying to avoid discomfort — ours and theirs. But comfort is expensive. Every time we swallow the question we actually want to ask, we’re choosing short-term comfort over long-term opportunity. 

I think about all the years I spent perfecting the performance. All the carefully worded follow-up emails. All the strategic coffee meetings where I talked around what I needed instead of just asking for it. All the opportunities I might have had if I’d been braver sooner. 

The burning feeling doesn’t go away. But I’ve learned to recognize it for what it is: evidence that I’m doing something that matters. Easy things don’t burn. 

An Invitation 

So, here’s what I’m suggesting: if you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in the performance I described, stop performing networking and start practicing it. 

The next time you’re in a conversation with someone who could help you, ask. Directly. Specifically. The thing you actually need: 

• “I’m trying to build my client base in this sector. Would you think of me?” 

• “I need an introduction to someone who does this work. Can you help?” 

• “I’m looking for opportunities to speak on this topic. Do you know anyone I should talk to?” 

Yes, it will feel uncomfortable. Yes, your face might get hot. Yes, every instinct will tell you you’re being too pushy, too direct, too much. 

Ask anyway. 

Because here’s what I’ve learned: the worst thing that happens is someone says no. And even then, you have information you didn’t have before. You know where you stand. You can move on to someone who can help you. 

But most of the time? People say yes. And when they do, you’ll realize you could have been asking all along. 

The question burns but it opens doors.